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Fifty Shades Of Salsa Gigolo.

20 Jan

The following references are from:
Fifty Shades of Grey
by E.L. James ».

This book is about a Dominant, who initiates his submissive.

Chapter Four, Pages 63-64
“… He Takes my hand once more. Holy cow — he’s leading me onto the dance floor. Shit. I do not dance. He can sense my reluctance, and under the colored lights I see his amused, sardonic smile. He gives my hand a sharp tug, and I’m in his arms, and he starts to move, taking me with him. Boy, he can dance, and I can’t believe that I’m following him step for step. Maybe it’s because I’m drunk that I can keep up. He’s holding me tight against him, his body against mine . . . if he wasn’t clutching me so tightly, I’m sure I would swoon at his feet. In the back of my mind, my mother’s often-recited warning comes to me: Never trust a man who can dance. …”

Chapter Four, Pages 63-64

Oh, that reluctance. I love that reluctance. It’s always intriguing to see what is possible with a salsera ingenue in our first dance. Will one dance be enough, or will I want more? Will she want more?

Chapter Seven, Page 101
“… “So you’ll get your kicks by exerting your will over me.”

“It’s about gaining your trust and your respect, so you’ll let me exert my will over you. I will gain a great deal of pleasure, joy even, in your submission. The more you submit, the greater my joy — it’s a very simple equation.”

“Okay, and what do I get out of this?”

He shrugs and looks almost apologetic.

“Me,” he says simply. …”

Chapter Seven, Page 101

I crave that feeling of taking a salsera ingenue up to her limits, and then some. I am willing to take risks, to see what kind of dance is possible for us. I am willing to make mistakes, and ask for forgiveness later.

Chapter Sixteen, Pages 287-288
“… “It’s the way I’m made, Anastasia. I need to control you. I need you to behave in a certain way, and if you don’t — I love to watch your beautiful alabaster skin pink and warm up under my hands. It turns me on.”

Holy shit. Now we’re getting somewhere.

“So it’s not the pain you’re putting me through?”

He swallows.

“A bit, to see if you can take it, but that’s not the whole reason. It’s the fact that you are mine to do with as I see fit — ultimate control over someone else. And it turns me on. Big time, Anastasia. Look, I’m not explaining myself very well . . . I’ve never had to before. I’ve not really thought about this in any great depth. I’ve always been with like-minded people.” He shrugs apologetically. “And you still haven’t answered my question — how did you feel afterward?”

“Confused.”

“You were sexually aroused by it, Anastasia.” …”

Chapter Sixteen, Pages 287-288

When I sense a salsera ingenue’s complete submission, her desire for me to take charge, I don’t say a word and just take. No politically-correct salsa for me. I like my salsa raw. The dance is for me, and she is there for my pleasure. Salsa Gigolo First.
Salsa Gigolometer 100

Are All Salsa Gigolos Assholes?

1 Jul

The following references are from:
Are All Guys Assholes?
by Amber Madison ».

A relationship self-help book for women.

‘A Fake Reputation Is All a Man Has’: Unlearning ‘Guys’, Pages 25-26:
“…
As Dr. Michael Kimmel concludes in his book
Guyland: “Maculinity is a homosocial experience, performed for, and judged by, other men.” And this is where it all comes full circle. You have a bunch of guys running around feeling like they’re supposed to act like indiscriminate horndogs. They put up this front because if they don’t, they’re afraid they’ll be ridiculed. And the outcome then is that guys actually believe this is how men truly are, because it’s how they’ve seen their peers act their entire lives. Many become convinced that other guys are acting out their authentic feelings when they act like freewheeling sex fiends. So even if a guy knows that he himself does not represent the stereotypical image of a “guy,” he remains thoroughly convinced that the other guys around him do. …”

'A Fake Reputation Is All a Man Has': Unlearning 'Guys', Pages 25-26

When talking with fellow salsa gigolos, we don’t talk about our feelings. Instead, we joke about each other’s displays of horndog-ness, a friendly competition of who’s the greater horndog.

Does He Want Me or ‘The Chase’?: Meeting Guys, Page 51:
“…
Being unwilling to approach a guy means that you never get to choose for yourself — you only get a chance with the guys who were bold enough to approach you. And really, what’s the worst that could happen? He acts uninterested. Or you ask him out and he says no. And then so what? Your heart explodes out of your eyeballs? The world blows up? Life as we know it gets eradicated? No. You shrug him off, have a greater appreciation for how guys feel when you’ve rejected them, and move on to someone else. Being turned down (especially if it’s by a stranger) just isn’t that horrific. Guys’ advances get blown off all the time, and they still live to tell about it. I think that we’re strong enough to endure the same “suffering.”

A guy once told me, “Meeting girls is 80% effort. It’s not about being amazing-looking, or the coolest and most interesting guy in the bar, it’s about putting yourself out there, realizing you’re going to get rejected a lot, but continuing to go for it anyway.” This approach works for us too. In my experience, it’s the girls who aren’t afraid to go for it who end of getting the most (and best) guys. …”

Does He Want Me or 'The Chase'?: Meeting Guys, Page 51

And I’m sorry, but sometimes we joke about who we want to dance with, and who we don’t want to dance with. I find it particularly funny when a fellow salsa gigolo’s trying to not make it obvious that he’s dating a salsera … by not asking her to dance. Generally, I don’t like to dance with other salsa gigolos’ wives or girlfriends. Let them do their own work.

In terms of asshole-like behaviour, I’m probably most guilty of not asking salseras to dance. And it’s not just about not asking, but it’s also about avoiding being asked. Averting eye contact is good. Standing near an exit or washroom is good. If a salsera sneaks-up and manages to start a conversation, but doesn’t ask for a dance, then no dance.

Kissing Assholes Good-bye: How to Identify One, Break Free, or Get One to Change His Tune, Page 221:
“…
Because so many guys are convinced that being “too nice” will make you lose interest, it’s important to be able to distinguish an impostor asshole from a real one. An impostor asshole is a guy who plays it cool and acts like he’s not blown away by you even when he is. He doesn’t return your calls right away (though returns them eventually), sends you some short text messages, give you “two compliments and one ‘neg'” (a playful insult), and acts only mildly interested. Basically, if you’ve just started dating a guy who’s actively trying to see you but acting a bit aloof, that’s an impostor asshole.

A real asshole is a guy who doesn’t want to do anything with you that doesn’t take place in his bed or on his couch, even though you want something more. He’s a guy who only calls you when he’s drunk. He’s the guy you’re really into, have been seeing for months, but won’t let the relationship progress or won’t fully commit. …”

Kissing Assholes Good-bye: How to Identify One, Break Free, or Get One to Change His Tune, Page 221

The truth is, I may want to dance with a particular salsera only once on any given day. And sometimes only once, ever. Salsa friends? Fuhgeddaboutit. Grindchata friends? I might consider it.

Salsaclysm: Who We Are (When We Think No One’s Looking).

9 Jun

The following references are from:
Dataclysm:  Who We Are (When We Think No One's Looking)
by Christian Rudder ».

A book about big data and what it tells us about male-female attraction.

Part 1: What Brings Us Together – Chapter 1: Wooderson’s Law, Pages 34-36:
“…
That’s the data’s way of saying that until thirty, a woman prefers slightly older guys; afterward, she likes them slightly younger. Then at forty, the progression breaks free of the diagonal, going practically straight down for nine years. That is to say, a woman’s tastes appear to hit a wall. Or a man’s looks fall off a cliff, however you want to think about it. If we want to pick the point where a man’s sexual appeal has reached its limit, it’s there: forty. …

… A woman’s at her best when she’s in her very early twenties. Period. And really my plot doesn’t show that strongly enough. The four highest-rated female ages are twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two, and twenty-three for every group of guys but one … And after he hits thirty, the latter half of our age range (that is, women over thirty-five) might as well not exist. Younger is better, and youngest is best of all, and if “over the hill” means the beginning of a person’s decline, a straight woman is over the hill as soon as she’s old enough to drink. …”

Part 1: What Brings Us Together - Chapter 1: Wooderson's Law, Pages 34-36

Big data tells us what is obvious and observable on the dancefloor:
40-year-old salsa gigolos like to grindchata with 20-year-old salseras.
50-year-old salsa gigolos like to grindchata with 20-year-old salseras.
60-year-old salsa gigolos like to grindchata with 20-year-old salseras.
70-year-old salsa gigolos like to grindchata with 20-year-old salseras.
And yes, 80-year-old salsa gigolos like to grindchata with 20-year-old salseras.

Part 1: What Brings Us Together – Chapter 3: Writing on the Wall, Page 70:
“…
Sitewide, the copy-and-paste strategy underperforms from-scratch messaging by about 25 percent, but in terms of effort-in to results-out it always wins: measuring by replies received per unit effort, it’s many times more efficient to just send everyone roughly the same thing than to compose a new message each time. I’ve told people about guys copying and pasting, and the response is usually some variation of “That’s so lame.” When I tell them that boilerplate is 75 percent as effective as something original, they’re skeptical — surely almost everyone sees through the formula. But his last message is an example of a replicated text that’s impossible to see through, and, in a fraction of the time it would’ve taken him otherwise, the sender got five replies from
exactly the type of woman he was looking for. And let me tell you something. Nearly every single thing on my desk, on my person, probably in my entire home, was made in a factory alongside who knows how many copies. I just fought a crowd to pick up my lunch, which was a sandwich chosen from a wall of sandwiches. Templates work. Our social-smoking architecture-loving backpacker is just doing what people have always done: harnessing technology. In this case his innovation is using a few keyboard shortcuts to save himself some time. …”

Part 1: What Brings Us Together - Chapter 3: Writing on the Wall, Page 70

And chances are, a 20-year-old salsera is going to be a novice. So a 40-year-old salsa gigolo should learn how to dance with beginners. Or better yet, a 30-year-old salsa gigolo should spend 10 years dancing with beginners, so by the time he’s a 40-year-old salsa gigolo, he’ll have amassed the skills and experience to make a 20-year-old novice salsera happy on the dancefloor.

A 40-year-old salsa gigolo will have learned that a 20-year-old novice salsera won’t notice that the moves he leads are really basic, or that he’s used the same moves all day long, day after day, week after week, with one 20-year-old novice salsera after another. The 40-year-old salsa gigolo, who hasn’t learned, is trying to lead the 20-year-old novice salsera through all sorts of complicated crap that he thinks will impress her. Or worse, he’s showing her how to count 1-2-3, 5-6-7, as if it’s her fault he can’t lead her into a basic step. No excuses necessary, just don’t do this.

Part 2: What Pulls Us Apart – Chapter 6: The Confounding Factor, Page 107:
“…
These matrices show two negative trends, and two positive. Blacks are again unappreciated by non-black users, but Asian men have joined them in the red. On the positive side, women clearly prefer men of their own race — they’re more “race-loyal” than men — but they also express a clear, secondary, preference for white men. …”

Part 2: What Pulls Us Apart - Chapter 6: The Confounding Factor, Page 107

If you blindfold a salsa gigolo and ask him to lick the ear of an Angolan salsera, a Korean salsera, and an Irish salsera, he’d still choose to grindchata with the 20-year-old salsera.

Part 2: What Pulls Us Apart – Chapter 7: The Beauty Myth in Apotheosis, Pages 120-121:
“…
Success and beauty are correlated for both sexes, but you can see that the slope of the red line is always steeper. On Facebook, every percentile of attractiveness gives a man two new friends. It gives a woman three. On Shiftgig, the curves aren’t even comparable in this way. The female curve is exponential and the male is linear. Moreover, they hold whether the
hiring manager, the person doing the interviewing, is a man or a woman. In either case, the male candidates’ curves are a flat line — a man’s looks have no effect on his prospects — and the female graphs are exponential. So these women are treated as if they’re on OK-Cupid, even though they’re applying for a job. Male HR reps weigh the female applicants’ beauty as they would in a romantic setting — which is either depressing or very, very exciting, depending on whether you’re a lawyer with a litigation practice. And female employers view it through the same (seemingly sexualized) lens, despite there (typically) being no romantic intent.

It is hardly fresh intellectual ground that beauty matters, and that it matters more for women. For example, a foundational paper of social psychology is called “What Is Beautiful Is Good.” It was the first in a now long line of research to establish that good-looking people are seen as more intelligent, more competent, and more trustworthy than the rest of us. More attractive people get better jobs. They are also acquitted more often in court, and failing that, they get lighter sentences. As Robert Sapolsky notes in the Wall Street Journal, two Duke neuropsychologists are working on why: “The medial orbitofrontal cortex of the brain is involved in rating both the beauty of a face and the goodness of a behavior, and the level of activity in that region during one of those tasks predicts the level during the other. In other words, the brain … assumes that cheekbones tell you something about minds and hearts.” On a neurological level, the brain registers that ping of sexual attraction — Ooh, she’s hot — and everything else seems to be splash damage.

To my second point, that beauty affects women in particular, Naomi Wolf’s bestseller The Beauty Myth showed that better than I ever could. In short, my raw findings here are not new. What is new is our ability to test ideas, established ones, famous ones even, against the atomized actions of millions. That granularity gives strength and nuance to previous work and even suggests ways to build on it.

The paper “What Is Beautiful” was based on a research sample of only 60 subjects — barely adequate to prove the effect, let alone its many facets.* But now we can go from “What Is Beautiful Is Good” to asking “How Good?” and in what contexts. In sex, beauty is very good. In friendship, it’s only somewhat good, and when you’re looking for a job, the effect really depends on your gender. As for Wolf’s seminal work, we can confirm the truth behind her broad observation that “today’s woman has become her ‘beauty'” — three robust research sets agree that the correlation is strong. And, better, we can extend some of her most cogent arguments about beauty being a means of social control. Think about how the Shiftgig data changes our understanding of women’s perceived workplace performance. They are evidently being sought out (and exponentially so) for a trait that has nothing to do with their ability to do a job well. Meanwhile, men have no such selection imposed. It is therefore simple probability that women’s failure rate, as a whole, will be higher. And, crucially, the criteria are to blame, not the people. Imagine if men, no matter the job, were hired for their physical strength. You would, by design, end up with strong men facing challenges that strength has nothing to do with. In the same way, to hire women based on their looks is to (statistically) guarantee poor performance. It’s either that or you limit their opportunities. Thus Ms. Wolf: “The beauty myth is always actually prescribing behavior and not appearance.” She was speaking primarily in a sexual context, but here, we see how it plays out, with mathematical equivalence, in the workplace. …”

Part 2: What Pulls Us Apart - Chapter 7: The Beauty Myth in Apotheosis, Pages 120-121

However, it is a very rare 20-year-old salsera, who can give a seasoned salsa gigolo his salsa fix. She has to be pretty, too.

Technology – 2
Salsa Gigolo – 4

Salsa Goggles (Salsa Goggolos).

21 Jan

After much research, I am pleased to present my findings on the Salsa Goggles effect:
Salsa Goggles
Unlike Beer Goggles », Salsa Goggles works on the person you are observing. The closer a salsera is to the dancefloor, the stronger the Salsa Goggles effect on the salsa gigolo. The more salsa lessons a salsa gigolo takes, the stronger the Salsa Goggles effect on the salsera.

The next phase of research will investigate the combined effect of Salsa Goggles and Beer Goggles. And in case you’re wondering, beer is now available in some Toronto grocery stores, but not yet on Toronto subways.

Weapons of Mass Salsa Instruction.

17 Jan

The following references are from:
Weapons of Mass Instruction - A Schoolteacher's Journey Through the Dark World of Compulsory Schooling
by John Taylor Gatto ».

This book is a manifesto against public schooling.

Prologue: Against School, Pages xviii-xix, xxii:
“… Inglis breaks down the purpose — the actual purpose — of modern schooling into six basic functions, any one of which is enough to curl the hair of those innocent enough to believe the three traditional goals of education listed earlier:

1. The adjustive or adaptive function. Schools are to establish fixed habits of reaction to authority. This, of course, precludes critical judgment completely. It also pretty much destroys the idea that useful or interesting material should be taught, because you can’t test for reflexive obedience until you know whether you can make kids learn, and do, foolish and boring things.
2. The
integrating function. This might well be called “the conformity function,” because its intention is to make children as alike as possible. People who conform are predictable, and this is of great use to those who wish to harness and manipulate a large labor force.
3. The
diagnostic and directive function. School is meant to determine each student’s proper social role. This is done by logging evidence mathematically and anecdotally on cumulative records. As in “your permanent record.” Yes, you do have one.
4. The
differentiating function. Once their social role has been “diagnosed,” children are to be sorted by role and trained only so far as their destination in the social machine merits — and not one step further. So much for making kids their personal best.
5. The
selective function. This refers not to human choice at all but to Darwin’s theory of natural selection as applied to what he called “the favored races.” In short, the idea is to help things along by consciously attempting to improve the breeding stock. Schools are meant to tag the unfit — with poor grades, remedial placement, and other punishments — clearly enough that their peers will accept them as inferior and effectively bar them from the reproductive sweepstakes. That’s what all those little humiliations from first grade onward were intended to do: wash the dirt down the drain.
6. The
propaedeutic function. The societal system implied by these rules will require an elite group of caretakers. To that end, a small fraction of the kids will quietly be taught how to manage this continuing project, how to watch over and control the population deliberately dumbed down and declawed in order that government might proceed unchallenged and corporations might never want for obedient labor. …

… Now for the good news. Once you understand the logic behind modern schooling, its tricks and traps are fairly easy to avoid. School trains children to be employees and consumers; teach your own to be leaders and adventurers. School trains children to obey reflexively; teach your own to think critically and independently. Well-schooled kids have a low threshold for boredom; help your own to develop an inner life so that they’ll never be bored. Urge them to take on the serious material, the grown-up material, in history, literature, philosophy, music, art, economics, theology — all the stuff schoolteachers know well enough to avoid. Challenge your kids with plenty of solitude so that they can learn to enjoy their own company, to conduct inner dialogues. Well-schooled people are conditioned to dread being alone; they seek constant companionship through the TV, the computer, the cell phone, and through shallow friendships quickly acquired, quickly abandoned. Your children should have a more important life, and they can. …”

Prologue: Against School, Pages xviii-xix, xxii

It’s up to the salsa gigolo to take control of his learning, but sometimes it’s hard to know where to start. Here are some tips:
1. Maintain your sense of autonomy.
2. Develop your own style, without sacrificing the quality of your lead.
3. Take all the beginners’ classes you can, from all the different instructors.
4. Make salsa friends to enable your salsa addiction.
5. Dance with beginners to improve your lead, and to grow salsa biomass.
6. Decide what salsa means to you, and know your ‘why’ for salsa.

When a fellow salsa gigolo asks me who my instructor was, I think to myself, “Which one?” The one, who taught the first club lesson I ever took? The one who taught me the intimacy of bachata? The one who patiently taught me the basic step, and how to lead? The one, who inadvertently taught me that not all moves shown in a class are actually leadable on the dancefloor? I remember choosing my first non-club instructor after watching him dance. I liked his style.

Chapter 2: Walkabout London, Pages 37-38:
“… In 2006, the University of Connecticut set out to discover how much learning happens in a student between entering as a freshman and graduating as a senior. Five academic areas were selected to measure, using 14,000 students at 50 American colleges, including Yale, Brown, and Georgetown. At 16 of those 50 — including Yale, Brown, and Georgetown — graduating seniors knew less than incoming freshman. Negative growth had occurred. In the other 34, no measurable change had taken place …”

Chapter 2: Walkabout London, Pages 37-38

Sometimes when I mention that salsa instructor, I get a confused look from the person asking, I guess because they don’t see the similarity in our styles. They don’t see the learning that happened over dozens and dozens of beginner classes, almost a decade ago.

Other times, I might point out a salsa instructor to a fellow salsa gigolo, and I can see them thinking to themselves, “I’m not impressed”. They don’t see the beginner salsa classes that instructor ran in the club, with 50-100 sexy bachelorettes on one side, and 50-100 horny salsa gigolos on the other side of a long line. Epic.

Chapter 9: A Letter to My Granddaughter About Dartmouth, Pages 172-173:
“… Let me give you some hard evidence that the people who built the schools and colleges you admire did not have your interests at heart, but their own. No single group was more influential in shaping our institutional school ladder than the pragmatic philosophers of Cambridge, Massachusetts. And no pragmatist carried more clout than Charles Pierce, the eminence grise behind William James and John Dewey. Listen to Pierce’s mind at work in the 1870s as he contemplated the advent of forced schooling:

“Let the will of the state act, then, instead of that of the individual. Let an institution be created which shall have for its object to keep correct doctrines before the attention of the people, to reiterate them perpetually, and to teach them to the young, having at the same time power to prevent contrary doctrines from being taught, advocated, or expressed.

Let all possible causes of a change of mind be removed from men’s apprehension. Let them be kept ignorant, lest they should learn of some reason to think otherwise than they do. Let their passions be enlisted, so that they may regard … unusual opinions with hatred and horror. Then, let all men who reject the established belief be terrified into silence. … Let a list of opinions be drawn up to which no man of the least independence of thought can assent, and let the faithful be required to accept all these propositions in order to segregate them as radically as possible from the influence of the rest of the world [all emphases mine].” …”

Chapter 9: A Letter to My Granddaughter About Dartmouth, Pages 172-173

It is said that you can tell how good a salsa instructor is, by how good his or her students are. It is also said that a good dancer is not necessarily a good teacher, and a good teacher is not necessarily a good dancer. Every salsa instructor has his or her strengths and weaknesses. Learn from both their strengths and their weaknesses. After a decade or so, you too might look nothing like your past instructors.

And sometimes it has nothing to do with the salsa instructor’s teaching or dancing, but that they can get a room full of trophic level 2.0 salseras to show up to a club, week after week. Bring the epic, and the salsa gigolos will come.

Salsa Gigolometer 100

Peaceful Salsa Gigolo, Happy Salseras (Peaceful Salsera, Happy Salsa Gigolos).

5 Dec

The following references are from:
Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids - How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting
by Dr. Laura Markham ».

This book presents ‘Three Big Ideas’ for peaceful parenting: 1. Regulating Yourself, 2. Fostering Connection, 3. Coaching, Not Controlling.

Part One: Regulating Yourself, Chapter 1: Peaceful Parents Raise Happy Kids, Page 8:
“… The truth is that virtually all of us were wounded as children, and if we don’t heal those wounds, they prevent us from parenting our child as we truly want to. If there’s an area where you were scarred as a child, you can count on that area causing you grief as a parent — and wounding your child in turn. …”

Part One: Regulating Yourself, Chapter 1: Peaceful Parents Raise Happy Kids, Page 8

There will be times when a salsa gigolo won’t want to dance. Sometimes the reason is simple, such as injury or lack of spare time. Other times the reason is complex, like ‘not feeling it’, or ‘not in the mood’. Rather than thinking about what he can get by dancing with a salsera, a salsa gigolo may want to think about what he can give, and if he is feeling truly toxic, a salsa gigolo may want to stay home or ‘sit this one out’.

Part Two: Fostering Connection, Chapter 2: The Essential Ingredient for Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids, Pages 40-42:
“… our children need to know that we take joy in them or they don’t see themselves as worth loving. In fact, your ability to enjoy your child may be the most important factor in his development. That’s what prompts you to do — automatically — all the things that help him thrive, from cooing during infancy to rough-housing at age three and chatting at age five.

That deep connection is also what makes peaceful parenting possible. Children freely, even enthusiastically, cooperate when they believe that we’re on their side. When they don’t have that belief deep in their bones, our standards of behavior seem unfair, contradicting what they perceive as their own best interests …

… Here’s how this works during the normal back-and-forth that parents automatically engage in with babies. Your baby gazes at you. You smile and coo. She smiles back and kicks her feet in excitement. You coo and smile with more excitement to match her exuberance, and the two of you “dance” together emotionally, feeling increasingly loving and delighted. After a while, your baby has had enough excitement. She needs to calm herself, to return to a lower level of arousal. She looks away. Some parents would get in her face to coax more smiles, but you’re tuned in. You realize your baby needs a break. You speak more soothingly. She glances back at you: Is it safe to engage? Yes, it is. You are smiling gently, having ratcheted down your energy level. She snuggles down, content. You picked up her cue. She learns that she can make her needs known, and you will respond by helping her. It’s a delicious, safe universe. There’s excitement and there’s soothing. With your help, she can handle whatever comes. …”

Part Two: Fostering Connection, Chapter 2: The Essential Ingredient for Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids, Pages 40-42

For me these days, ‘feeling it’ is mainly about the music. If the music doesn’t fit my mood and doesn’t fit the available salseras, it would be like asking me to fake or make-believe a connection.

Even if there’s a trophic level 2.0 or 4.0 salsera » available, I’ve found it better to wait for the right song before asking her to dance, especially if it’s to be our first dance. This may require waiting weeks or months before dancing with a particular salsera, or even missing out altogether when she disappears from the scene before I can ask.

When the song is right and the salsera is right, it’s hard not to ‘feel it’, and it’s easy to give something to a salsera. 1 good dance and a salsa gigolo moves from the jerk column to the not-such-a-jerk-afterall column; from the I-didn’t-want-to-dance-with-him-anyways column to the I-hope-he-asks-me-again column.

Part Three: Coaching, Not Controlling, Chapter 3: Raising a Child Who Can Manage Himself: Emotional Coaching, Pages 94-95, 100
“… The primary developmental task for an infant is learning to trust. It sets the stage for all that lies ahead. Albert Einstein said that the most important question for each of us to answer is “Is this a friendly universe?” Infancy is when we answer that question.

Almost a hundred years ago, psychologist Harry Stack Sullivan originated the idea that infants pick up anxiety (which is a form of fear, or lack of trust) from their parents. Research confirms that a parent’s touch, voice, and movements can either soothe a child or stimulate anxiety. Babies’ stress hormones shoot up in response to angry voices — including those on TV — even while they’re asleep. Our calm voice, loving eye contact, and secure hold as we care for our baby gives her the message that the world is a safe place where she can relax and trust. …

… Soothing your baby not only helps her to learn to self-soothe, it helps her become a more calm, friendly, happy person, not just as a child but throughout life. Many studies show that babies who receive above-average levels of affection, attention, and soothing from their parents grow into adults who are more relaxed, emotionally regulated, and happier. … This ability to self-soothe is the precondition for emotional intelligence. And he’ll develop it as he learns to trust that you’re there to help him whenever he needs you, that you can read his cues and help him regulate himself. That’s the foundation of secure attachment. Based on his first year with you, he’ll conclude that it’s a friendly universe, and that he’ll be okay in it. …”

Part Three: Coaching, Not Controlling, Chapter 3: Raising a Child Who Can Manage Himself: Emotional Coaching, Pages 94-95, 100

I have to admit that it’s a real salsagigolomojo buster when the wrong salsera asks to dance to the wrong song. Salseras must get this all the time, when the wrong salsa gigolo asks them to dance to the wrong song. On top of this, salseras have to deal with the 101 salsa instructor wannabes, who try to teach on the dancefloor.

101 salsa instructor wannabes will try to teach a salsera 101 different ways on the dancefloor. Who does a salsera trust?

Salsa Gigolometer 80

Partner Selection (5)/ Gale-Shapley Algorithm For Stable Salsa Matching.

10 Feb

What happens when you ask 4 salsa gigolos and 4 salseras to make a list of their preferred dance partners, and then try to pair them up to get the best possible matches?

Here’s a vid by S Sawhney » that describes the Gale-Shapley algorithm » for stable salsa matching for 4 salsa gigolos and 4 salseras:

Here’s the result when the salsa gigolos do the asking:
Gale Shapley Algorithm For Stable Salsa Matching 1

Here’s the result when the salseras do the asking:
Gale Shapley Algorithm For Stable Salsa Matching 2

What if each step in the algorithm is a song/ dance?
song/ dance 1:
Rhea and Charlie dance, Mary and Dennis dance, Kate and Mac dance, Jill sits.
song/ dance 2:
Rhea and Charlie dance, Mary and Dennis dance, Kate and Mac dance, Jill sits.
song/ dance 3:
Rhea and Frank dance, Mary and Dennis dance, Kate and Mac dance, Jill sits.
song/ dance 4:
Rhea and Frank dance, Mary and Charlie dance, Kate and Mac dance, Jill sits.
song/ dance 5:
Rhea and Frank dance, Mary and Charlie dance, Kate and Mac dance, Jill and Dennis dance.

What would novice salseras think about salsa?
Rhea:
“Ugh, I had to dance with Charlie twice, but then Frank took over, woo hoo!”
Mary:
“Hmm, I had to dance with Dennis 3 times, then Charlie took over, no woo hoo.”
Kate:
“I could do worse than Mac, but sure wish Dennis took over, no woo hoo.”
Jill:
“My ass hurts, but then finally Dennis took over, no woo hoo.”

In the real salsa world, other factors come into play:
* distance between Frank and Kate
* distance between Mac and Kate
* walking speed of Frank and Mac
* rate of acceleration of Frank and Mac
* running speed of Frank and Mac
* Frank’s and Mac’s ability to throw an elbow
* walking speed of Kate
* rate of acceleration of Kate
* running-away speed of Kate
* distance between Kate and Dennis
* distance between Dennis and Mary, Jill or Rhea, whoever is closest
* willingness of Dennis to accept ‘no’ for an answer when Kate is fast approaching
* willingness of Jill to ask Charlie to dance
* distance between Charlie and Rhea, Mary or Kate, whoever is closest
* willingness of Charlie to say ‘yes’ when Jill finally catches him
* willingness of Charlie to say ‘yes’ when Rhea surprisingly also asks him
* willingness of Jill and Rhea to say ‘yes’ to a grindchata à trois with Charlie
* willingness of Jill to say ‘yes’ when Rhea surprisingly asks for her number
* willingness of Mary to accept multiple dances with Charlie
* willingness of Kate to accept multiple dances with Mac
* softness of chair cushions for Frank and Dennis
* willingness of Frank and Dennis to team-up to split Jill and Rhea
* willingness of Rhea to accept multiple dances with Frank
* willingness of Jill to accept multiple dances with Dennis
* …
Hmm, maybe there’s something to this algorithm, after all. Or perhaps this speaks to the need for something like a salsa cabaceo ».

A rising tide of salseras lifts all salsa gigolos’ boats:
Since whoever does the asking, gets the better result, so long as there’s no scheming », perhaps novice salseras should do all the asking, and salsa gigolos should be prevented from asking or refusing a novice salsera, until they have previously been asked to dance by her at least once.

Sure, this won’t help me, since I love asking trophic level 2.0 salseras » to dance, however my fellow salsa gigolos and I can sometimes be a little too eager with trophic level 2.0 salseras: rushing to be the first to ask them to dance, teaching them on the dancefloor, bogarting for multiple dances, asking for their number, preventing them from dancing with someone, who might actually be on their list of preferred dance partners.

So here’s a request, similar to Stop Salsa Violence », for my fellow salsa gigolos and me to ask ourselves whether the salseras we danced with last week, and didn’t grindchata with, are still dancing this week. If they’re not still dancing, we might reflect on whether we can be part of the solution … You know, by being less eager. We all want to see trophic level 2.0 salseras returning for more.

Salsa Gigolometer 80